… is fun. so do it. just strip. drank some drank if you need to but seriously everyone is naked inside and out when they fuck so don’t feel alone, just make your clothes lonely for you and be naked!!!! Sorry there are no dudes, harder to find on the internet š¦
she likes being naked. just like me!
be naked together
or alone
maybe not this kind of naked.
definitely this kind
especially in the water
so close!
xoxo HDMP,Ā http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/JWJZ6MS
I 143 all y’allĀ [get it: I (1 letter) love (4 letters) you (3 letters)] but I think you need a little lecture on sexting. Not because you aren’t good at it (though some of you may not even know how) but because you probably don’t do it enough- or in the right way.
Tips for successful sexting:
Ā (wanna do it with some chocolate sauce andĀ lingerieĀ andĀ champagne?)
Start slow. You don’t wanna start a sext convo by saying “my dripping wet pussy wants your hard cock pounding it until it bruises” because you have forgotten all of the leading upppp to that. The “leading up to” is the most important part. It builds tension- sexual tension that is- gets you wet/hard and makes you uncontrollably horny to a peak point where you have to call/skype and see each other masturbate to a finale of exhausted pleasure.
(wanna do it on the couch?)
Scenery is key. Make things interesting by asking where your partner would want to do it, what position, what kind of kinky accessories would be involved, what sort of role play… you get the idea. But be sure to be as detail oriented as possible. The more specific the better- trust me on this one.
(wanna do it in a taxi?)
If you aren’t very creative, watch some (good) porn to get an idea of the story lines that lead up to sex. Girl on girl porn targeted at women is the best because unlike porn directed at men, it has a storyline. If that just confuses you look at any porn directed at women because women are more likely to want a build up since it takes us longer to orgasm and because we are more inclined to loveydovey things (which in this case is just some kind of storyline pre-sex)
(wanna do it on a roof?)
Ask questions and go back and forth. Say “you like that?” “you want me to do it like that?” “how do you want me to ride you?” “how fast do you want it?” Questions also slow down the build up for optimal sexual tension. If its with a sort of new partner then this is key- you don’t want to assume ANYTHING, and this is a fantastic way to play out what kind of sex you like before the first time so that you know what the other person likes/doesn’t like. For instance if he says “then i’d slip it in your butt” and you don’t want that you could say, “maybe try fingering it first” or “lets just do doggy, i like that much better.” And you can set other boundaries like if he asks “where do you want me to cum?” you can say something super specific like “not on my face, but on my tits or ass… or inside me, i’m on birth control” Kind of a mood killer but its better then saying that mid hump.
(wanna do it on a chair?)
Hope that helped ladies and gents… now whip out your phones, turn them onto the vibration setting (hehe) and get to sexting! Just please try not to drunk sext, its messy and hard to understand (i.e “i want my donkey in your plum”).
XOXO SMBP
Ā make me drop my clothes off and touch myself baby! …. by filling out my survey.
Oral.
Girls guys, both at the same time, who cares, its a little gross, a little hot and definitely a delicious appetizer to the main course…. or if you are french and have lots of sex then the salad course after the main course.
First lets do ladies on guys: Start off temptingly slow. Hair brushing his pecs, boobs showing openly (sexy bra on if you dont have big knockers), eyes full of lust and looking over glasses if you are sexy-I mean-lucky enough to have them. Take his pants off with your mouth if you are that adept (tongue over the button, teeth on zippers) or just sexily take off his pants, practice with the belts, I promise it will be worth it when you can seamlessly undress him. Leave the boxers on for now (if he’s wearingĀ briefs, just get up and leave), massage his dick if its not already hard (though it should be) and feel around for the balls to stroke over the fabric. Now we get to the specifics: take off the boxers, breathe your hot breath over his tip, make sure your mouth is fully lubricated and slowly lower down. You can either go straight into a methodical deep throat fast/slow movement, or you can go down as far as you can and then swirl your tongue around the shaft while firmly holding the base with your fingers in an O. Don’t leave anything un-licked…. balls, male twat part between balls and asshole), under the tips little lippy thing… everything. Pubes in your teeth suck but suck it up bitch! š
Next guys on gals: GO SLOW. Girls take an average of 16 minutes of lickin before they cum. That ain’t me but some girls legit take that long so get ready for a long haul if you are into pleasing girls. Lick/kiss/suck your way down from the mouth, neck, tits, upper abdomen, tummy down to the bikini line. Rub your hand over her thong (if shes wearing granny panties, go home baby just go home), as if you were massaging a cold apple to make it warm (firmly and with intent but not to bruise the damn thing). Flick your tongue over where you assume her clit to be over the fabric and then smoothly go over to a side and lick that while pushing aside the thong at the same time (its a practiced move), and then with a flat tongue go up and down all that junk like you are lapping up milk like a kitty :). Next, lick the clit in circles while you gently enter her with the tip of one or two fingers, depending on how tight you think she is. Start stroking the inside of her as if you were doing a “cum hither” move while still licking the clit and grab her ass firmly at the same time. From there, improv with speeds but don’t you dare spit on her vag, that is SUCH a turn off. If she’s not wet then make her wet damn it!
Now girls on girls: See above but be softer and more sensual, go slower and build up more.
hetero-preference on this blog is just personal preference, lo siento!
Sorry dudes on dudes, you’ve gotta follow my ladies on guys guide, I may or may not have a dick but you won’t find out š
Now for this………………….
xoxoxo, HDMP
lets start with some of my fetishes:
belly button rings
bums
pda: public display of ass
and playing dress upĀ 
Ā especially this kind
This morning, I’m sure you and your onenightstand loving husband made some coffee, did the ridiculously easy crossword puzzle in the Sunday paper, and did some kinkysexmoves gardening in your urban farm. But really now, lets stop the secrecy and just admit that you were reading the HOT new issue of Cosmo and wishing you were fucking James Dean or that supermodel with the complicated name. To the men who are tired of the lazy-dead-fish fuck (you know what I mean), and to the women tired of the 30-second-jackhammer kind of sex (YOU know what I mean) lets get some things straight.
1. Moaning is everything. Not just for the girls who can fulfill their dudes dreams of bangin a porn star, but for guys too (porn is a subject I could go on and on and ON about, but I’ll save that for later) I get some praise and some complaints on how loud I get in bed, I’m not faking it for funsies…. I just can’t help it! I mean women do have exponentially more nerves then guys do in their pleasure spots (or as one penis-from-my-past called it “the hidden pearl”) but its not just that getting off makes me moan… moaning gets me off. Guys like it because it means they are doing a good job and can help them see, I mean hear, what works and what doesn’t. I like it because it means I can really get into whatever we are doing. Which brings me to my next point….
2. ….. Vibrators aren’t just for fat girls who don’t get laid. That was a phrase I swore by for about two years. Why do I want a battery acid leaching plastic popscicle stuck up in my pussy when I can get the real thing whenever I want?? I’m hot, wet and single (#getatme… jokes) but then came The One Who Started It All. That’s what I call my first, and will refer to him as that from here forwards. TOWSIA? Nah too convoluted. Whatevs, back to vibes. He taught me how to finger myself, he taught me how to have phone sex, he taught me what levels of rough and kinky I liked and didn’t like. He is the reason why I was a legit out of control nympho for two years (which is an actual problem/addiction not just a way to flaunt your horniness). Point is, after a romp in the bed where foreplay began with my butterfly (aka clit loving) vibe and his tongue in 69 and ended with my hands in handcuffs and my mind up in orgasm heaven, I stopped using that phrase.
3. Which, of course, leads me into my final point (I like neat transitions if you couldn’t tell). Screaming “Oh daddy give it to me!” is only appropriate if you are brain damaged and fuck your Y chromosome donor. Screaming “Harder, HARDER!” is always appropriate. Same goes with “faster” and the dudes name (unless you forgot it after one too many vodka tonics… and instead resort to Babe. Blech.) But to all of you porn addicts who have a vague S&M problem, saying “You like that Bitch? You like it when I strangle you there? Say you like it!” as you five-star the poor chicas ass is not cool. A hair tug here and there is okay (and in fact recommended) but pulling out clumps is just gross.
4. Things like dudes liking to lick your toes (like that modern family episode) or have fun playing with your hair (or, yes, even smelling it) are actually called fetishes not kinks. Fetishes are “anyĀ objectĀ orĀ nongenitalĀ partĀ ofĀ theĀ bodyĀ thatcausesĀ aĀ habitualĀ eroticĀ responseĀ orĀ fixation.” (thnx dictionary.com)Ā Kinks are “bizarreĀ orĀ unconventionalĀ sexualĀ preferencesĀ or behavior.” So technically a fetish is a kink…. weird right?
Takeaway: know where the kinky in the line falls folks. If you find your penis ring stuck together with your ex-wife’s pussy piercing and you two are covered in cherry flavored lube and dressed like dogs, you know you have a problem. If you find your vibe from your birthday a year ago that you haven’t opened yet giveittome use it wisely (as in all the time š )
XOXO, HDMP
Ever been tied to a bed by a dudes belt? I have š and it was awesome. I thought I was going to implode from the pleasure of not being able to grab my partner and shove him inside me after the twenty minutes of teasing he subjected me to. Top that off with the hair pulling, ass slapping and titty twisting that followed the makeshift handcuffs and I could have filed an abuse report with the amount of hickeys, five stars and scratch marks on my body. Needless to say, grandma was confused the next day at her house when I showed up in a turtleneck in the middle of July.
In order to avoid any discomfort in the scene I set before you, there are two simple steps to follow. First: be sure you are okay with being treated like a S&M porn star. Second: Apply arnicare cream to all bruises after brushing out hickeys with a hairbrush, softly to spread the blood around, and stopping the redness of five stars with a frozen washcloth or spoon depending on the size of it. Its not just girls affected by this boundary issue, dudes if your girl is overly aggressive with her nails or squeezes your butt too hard or bites your lip till it bleeds and those things donāt turn you on, read on.
The first solution is more complicated than the second. Are you okay with a little hair pulling and some light butt squeezing but not real dirty talk, as in āyou like that bitch?ā Charlotte from Sex and the City experienced something similar, but since not all my readers will have watched every episode four times, Iāll give you the short version of how to solve the problem. Say what you like and donāt like. Say it in a pouty whiny moany voice. Say it in a stern confident ādrawing the lineā voice. Say it in a text. Say it over dinner at the hop. Who cares! Just say it, and say it loud enough so your partner can hear. Whispering āwait I donāt like thatā qualifies you as uneligible for rape status, or at least puts you in the unclear camp with the drunk girls and mentally ill priests, and you donāt want to be anywhere near there. You want to be the boss of your sex while still letting your man take control (or whatever, you stay ontop the whole time, its your sex). Point is- say it loud, say it proud but there is no fixed formula on how to deliniate your boundaries. In case you were wondering, I personally just say, ānuh-uh, not thereā with a sly little smile if a dude tries to cum on my face or I lay out my rules at the beginning of the tryst, pre-any kind of entering of any orifice, so nobody is confused.
XOXO,Ā HDMP
PS-Ā http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/JWJZ6MS
The big O. Not Oprah, but Orgasm. Whether youāve had one or not, Iām here to tell you the same thing Cosmo has been advocating for years. STOP faking it. It will get you nowhere, quite literally and will let your guy go on thinking he is the cats meow or whatever while chicas all over campus are left to shut their dorm dorm and run for their vibe! If you arenāt feeling it then donāt fake it. Guys canāt unless they pee inside a girl (ew but yeah it happens) so sorry this is directed mainly at girls. Follow the advice of cosmo and have sex with a pillow under your ass to achieve Coital Alignment (seriously thatās what its called). Do it doggy style with a vibe on your clit and your ankles crossed for maximum tightness and feeling. Throw your legs up on his shoulders while he lies back down ontop of you forā¦. What was I talking about, I got distracted by cumming.
Point is- position yourself for success.
(just like this)
You did it to get into an ivy, or to win a pie eating contest, so do it in bed before Miss HDMP knocks on your door with her bag of tricks and literally gets down on the floor to show you what to do. If you want more ideas, see my sidebar called āgetting it on.ā And no, you arenāt ābrokenā if you havenāt had an orgasm. Girls take an average of 37 minutes to orgasm despite having exponentially more sensory neurons on their sexual organs than men. Its because of our inability to relax. So smoke a joint, have a glass of wine, do some yoga breathing, whatever calms you down, dirty talk and foreplay for an hour before penis-vagina action and THEN ask me if you are broken. I promise you will be able to orgasm (unless you are in that damn 1% that canāt geneticallyā¦.. my condolences if you are)
XOXO, HDMP
PS:http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/JWJZ6MSĀ
Hookups. They are awesome, they be not so awesome but they happen. There is a thing called a “hookup culture” and idk if your college campus has it (if you aren’t in college you probs shouldn’t be reading this), but mine does. Some people love it- who wouldn’t wanna get laid and then not have to deal with stage five clingers? The stage five clingers wouldn’t want that ;). But to be real now, what do you do before during and after a hookup to make sure its a positive experience for all five people involved? Jokes, but actually.
(you don’t want that so…..)
You TALK. T.A.L.K. TALK. Not that much haha but you communicate so there is absolute clarity that you are a FANTA (fuck and never talk to again) and nothing more then that. Or if you want to be friends with benefits or fuckbuddies (there’s a difference), talk about that. But just talk in general. It doesn’t necessarially have to be before the sexytime happens but it probably should so you don’t get in that awkward phase of, “ohhhhh you want my number? i don’t own a phone…..” Lies. By the way, friends with benefits are actual friends who kiss and have sex when they are horny and fuckbuddies are people who bootycall each other on the reg and also may hang out soberly-i mean without having sex.
During the hookup do all those lovely things I’ve taught you so far and will keep teaching you every humpday, but also go crazy. One time a guy didn’t speak to me after because, as he told his whole crew team, i was “fucking wild in bed” and scared him away. Mission accomplished. Let out your moaniest moans, your inner scratcher, your hair flipping booty slapping sexy ass self OUT. Why not if you are only going to see the guy once? And if you are friends with benefits/fuckbuddies, the girl/guy already knows you are crazy in bed and probably likes it that way. The point is that you aren’t going to see the person that often (or again at all) so why not let loose your inner porn star?
After hookups be sure to STICK WITH YOUR PLAN that you have come up with by talking to the dude, don’t go back on it and text him/her five million times or ignore him/her after saying you wanted more. Its the best for everyone and you fuckers who mess with the plan make hookups hard for everyone else to swallow (hehe) because they think it will be messy and don’t want that.
So. Talk. Hookup. Stick with the plan. And don’t forget that!!!!
XOXO HDMP
Sex and water.
Oh my….
….. I’ve made a pro con list for you š
Jaccuzi: Pros- hawt and steamy, you are already in the mood, bathing suits come off quickly. Cons- one word. BACTERIA. so dangerous for the girl. and there is a ton of splashing involved, ick and ick.
Pool: Pros- refreshing, easy to do in the shallow end up against a wall, bathing suits slide off easily, girls are nipsy (nice and hard nipples). Cons- dudes got a wee bit of a weiner problem (in that dicks shrink in cold water), and chlorine kind of kills all the wetness around the girls vag (not sperm! you still have to use a condom! which is also a con. Its hard to get on in the water… just imagine that yuck). Actually this goes for all water- it makes the wetness just kind of go away but isn’t a spermicide.
Bathtub: Pros- warm and cozy, you are already naked, less chance of bacterial infection, can soap up for maximum slippery-ness Con- too small unless its this one
Ocean: Pros- her bod ;), you can really get into the motion of the ocean, bathing suits slide off easily, kind of easy to do in public/theres that kink factor of being around other people and having to hold in your scream. Cons- salty and dicks shrink and condoms and ugh.
Shower sex is awesome, but unlubricated, so be careful with that. Doing it with the girl bent over is easiest, or girl on top guy sitting up is quite pleasant as well ;), but so is masturbating in the shower. If you haven’t tried it GO DO IT RIGHT NOW its such a good orgasm girls. And dudes? Just watch her face and you’ll cum right then and there.
Hope that helped!
Send in your questions/feedback to:Ā http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/JWJZ6MS
xoxo, HDMP
Or not.You don’t have to be a slutalut to like sex outdoors. There’s plenty of people who just physically do not have a place to have sex except for outside. In a city this can be difficult, but I had a friend in highschool who would meet up with her lover and they would do it in the bushes in a tiny dog park filled with…. well, dogs. I personally have had sex in a bed of branches and then spent my entire morning class picking them out of my hair to the utter disgust of my classmates and myself. I also had sex on a golf course and ended up losing my thong because the sprinklers came on. Sex in a dugout of a little league baseball field is another claim to outdoor fame of mine.
You can have outdoor sex in lots of places and in lots of positions but I would suggest doing it standing up/bent over with the girl facing a tree and holding on for optimal thrust power (and so she doesn’t fall down, but far enough away so she doesn’t bang her head)
I would not suggest this:
or this because fuck that would hurt your back and sea whatevers have those pokey things:
But do bring a blanket if at all possible (I saw a post-sex meteor shower one time and the blanket was great for watching it):
and do try to keep the sounds down while others are sleeping. Who am I kidding, I am a total screamer and a huge advocate of being as loud as you friggin want to be š
XOXO HDMP
PS- You don’t have to take all of your clothes off….its easier/faster in case someone happens to walk by.
Imagine this steamy scene:
it is noon in suburbia and you are in bed with a half naked (and high) chick, spooning and watching her cleavage- I mean Scrubs. You smoothly say, āI really wanna kiss you right now but I have awful cotton mouthā and saunter off to the kitchen for a Gatorade, passing by the bong on your way. When you get back, she has rolled onto on her back and most definitely not watching Scrubs anymore. What to do fellas? Do you shove one hand under her bra and another down your pants? Do you rip off her strawberry patterned boyshorts with your teeth? Iāll tell you what you do- you give her that kiss you promised on her mouth and then give her a couple more down south and right when you get to her bikini line, go back up to her mouth and put your hand where your mouth was….. on the sweet spot.
Sounds great right? Well thatās how my ācherry poppingā began. It was a total All-American in-for-the-win could-have-been-you scenario. Until something happened. Something sharp and painful, like a rusty knife stabbing between two fingers to be exact. Just as the guy was getting into the groove of his perfected two finger fluttering all up inside me, it felt like I had been stabbed all the way up into my gut.
Game over, pants back on, āIāll call you,ā blood on the sheets. Bummer for that guy, blessing for the next, and the next and the many after that. My experience was unlike most other girls I know. My cherry popping didnāt happen on prom night at some motel with dewy flower petals on the bedā¦. In fact, almost every girlfriend I’ve talked to had their cherry popped purposefully by a dude taking their virginity with his penis instead of accidentally by an overeager teenagers fingers. Popping a girls cherry by fingering them is a super rareĀ occurrenceĀ so don’t be afraid to go hard, and then soft and then use your tongue…. more on oral in another post š
When I finally got laid, I got really REALLY lucky. I had sex four times the first night that I ever was entered by a real live penis, and was still begging for more at the end of it (not something that my girl friends had ever experienced with their cherry popping). The first guy I slept with didnāt even find out I was a virgin until I told him three years later to give you an idea of how different sex is for someone whose cherry has already been popped.
Shit happens during sex (ew not literally, not after you read my guide to anal that is) and some of it is pleasurable and some of it is as enjoyable as waking up from a root canal before the vicodin hits. The latter is what I want you all to avoid. There shouldnāt be any tears in sex (unless they are tears of joy of course). Getting your cherry popped if you are a girl is just plain ouchy, sucky and not sexy. But everything after should be a fun, funny and informed experience. For dudes, Iāve been told it feels like you are inside a magical land of rainbows and unicorns (kind of like that scene from Anchorman, or like this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lQlIhraqL7o&feature=related) so screw all of you with penisesā¦. Well actually we women will š
Send your questions in to http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/JWJZ6MS!
Xoxo, HDMP
humpdaymorningpost 