So you’ve had a few shots. Maybe they are body shots off of a rando, maybe they are watermelon vodka shots with your besties, maybe they are rum shots alone in your room. Now you are feelin kinda hawt and kinda ready to get some insertion on and wanna hunt for your prey. Or whatever you call a drunk hookup. In my mind, prey is the best word because you get that drunk feeling of empowerment and (growl) animalistic horniness.
Now you’ve found your partner (I purposefully skipped the finding part because we all know how that happens- sloppy grinding, perhaps some groping and then “lezz go to mah room, my roomie is deaf/gone/won’t care smileyface”) and you are back in your room. The best part is that you have that buzzed confidence, so either your clothes come off slow and sexy just like they are supposed to, or they fall off somehow with a jumble of hands, feet zippers and teeth.
After some messy, wet, mouthy foreplay either downtown or uptown, a condom is (hopefully bitchez!!!! STDs are for lyfe or whatever!!!) and you “sheath your shaft” as Cosmo puts it, and in ya go! Woot woot, the first in is so damn good lets just acknowledge that. But after the first in, what happens? You either go jackhammer, yeah bitch you like that, no-breaks pumping with a dead fish girl whose painting her nails and yawning from utter boredom at your lack of variety. Or you bump heads and can’t decide which complicated position to be in as your head spins and you consider throwing up over the side of the bed. Drunk sex is messy and lets face it- more prevalent than sober sex. By A LOT. Because people have all those emotions we already talked about, the empowerment, the animalism etc etc etc, and are more likely to lose their inhibitions and their choosiness so they will go home with whoever, whenever, for what reason (my favorite personal reason was going home with a dude because he was in the army and I noticed on his dog tags that we were the same blood type so I could donate to him if he was ever hurt in the war).
leads to….
But don’t do it ladies and gents! Just don’t! I mean do do it but don’t do drunk sex! Sober sex all the way! By all means drink and have sex but don’t do blackout sex. For one thing you could be raped (of either gender, don’t forget about super-ambitious women here) or regret it the next morning, or not find a condom and wake up with herpes (!!!!worstfear!!!!!) or pregnant or whatever. Plus sober sex is SO much more coordinated and sexy and in sync and just a million times better. You can have actual communication about what you like, the dude doesn’t pee inside of you and pretend he came, and you can be mentally focused enough to orgasm! So take the pledge (it SHALL become a thing, I swear it will!) to say no to drunk sex and yes to sober sex. Well fine, say yes to sex in general but you know what I mean.
plus you can do fun things like dress up in sexy outfits before sober sex which you can’t really do after eight vodka sodas.
humpdaymorningpost 